LOS ANGELES—After delaying the onset of a cold for the past month, area man Jeff Martin announced that he is now ready to fight the pathogens. “Now that I have a week off from work and nothing else to do, I finally have the time for bed, rest, and fluids, so I’ll be sure to win the battle, no problem,” said Martin, reportedly inviting more pathogens into his system by running in the night air with wet hair. “I mean, what else do I have to do other than wallow around the house with a box of tissues in hand. In fact, that’s one of the best parts! I don’t have to worry about trying to find the nearest flat, semi-absorbable object to rub off my mucus! I have the security of a whole drawer of tissues right at my disposal! If this isn’t fantastic, I don’t know what is.” At press time, Martin was seen flipping through soap operas as he began to heat up chicken soup that his mother dropped off earlier that morning.