ANAHEIM, CA – Officials from the Center for Disease Control and Prevention announced Saturday that the anti-vaccination epidemic that has afflicted the United States for the past 17 years has been completely eradicated by measles.
Anti-vaccination illness – the report-borne disease which first spread across the pond to the US from British patient zero, Andrew Wakefield – is considered by scientists to be one of the most dangerous epidemics threatening the global population today. Every year, anti-vaccination illness claims thousands of links to autism unsubstantiatedly. Symptoms of the ailment include confusion, hysteria, shortness of rationality, and immunodeficiency.
“I’ve lost a lot of friends to anti-vaccination illness,” said Anaheim local Miriam Donahue. “The instant I found out they were anti-vax positive, I decided to never hang out with them again.”
Refusal by sufferers of the disease to take medical consultation from anyone but former Playboy models has contributed to the lengthy, nearly two-decades-long delay in treatment as physicians have had difficulty finding subjects to properly examine. Efforts by the CDC, however, involving the unlikely remedy of measles, have proven wildly effective.
“Through the use of a targeted treatment program employing the measles virus on a naturally-occurring cluster of the affected US population, we have been able to successfully rid the United States of Jenny McCarthy’s Disease,” said CDC spokesperson Lena Babcock, referring to anti-vaccination illness by its colloquial name.
Disease prevention and treatment specialists were forced to look into more cost-effective solutions to the JMCD outbreak after much of the CDC’s funding was reallocated to more important government defense developments like tanks with bigger cup holders and UAV’s that are even more unmanned, even more aerial, and even more vehicular. The CDC found that the most economical way to treat all of the infected was to “cure” all of them at one time in one location. The researcher’s finally settled on Disneyland as the prime congregational site.
“The real challenge was getting all of the anti-vaxxers into one location voluntarily,” said CDC researcher Craig Nakamura. “Because JMCD patients are marked by diminished intelligence and the inability to be reasoned with, nothing we could ever say would logically convince them to all gather in one place. So, we had to find some location that these unreasonable dolts naturally assembled.”
Disneyland proved to be the ideal location for researchers to find irrational JMCD sufferers. “Where else but Disneyland are people stupid enough to pay $10 for a 16 oz bottle of water or wait three hours in line to get nauseous inside of a teacup? They say ‘ignorance is bliss’, and I guess that’s what makes Disneyland the happiest place on Earth.”
The CDC’s choice to use the measles virus as the curative agent was also born out of efficiency. Said Nakamura: “We’ve been strapped as far as resources go, so we decided to work with what we already have. At the CDC, we’ve got all these strains of deadly viruses stockpiled, just chilling in storage reserves. So, we figured, ‘We’ve got them. Might as well use them’.”
Nakamura explained how measles was randomly picked out of a hazmat mask amongst a host of other deadly diseases. “It could’ve just as easily been smallpox or polio, but measles is what the Lord put in my hand that day. Sure, we could have enlisted a former Playboy model to persuade the invalids out of sickness, but that would’ve been much less convenient than just crop-dusting Tomorrowland with rubeola. Who has the time to sacrifice their firstborn to resurrect Anna Nicole Smith or to track down Pamela Anderson to the set of whatever low-brow, second-rate comedy she’s making a cameo in these days?”
According to a CDC press release, measles-treated individuals experience minor symptoms such as fever, cough, runny nose, and red eyes 10-12 days after exposure. These biological indicators signal that the treatment is indeed in effect.
After a week or so of minor symptoms, the treatment enters the “complication” phase when the remedial process is kicked into high gear. Diarrhea and ear infection help to isolate the infected individual and prevent them from hearing any more irrational, baseless medical advice that could worsen their condition; pneumonic lung infection makes it difficult to breathe and speak and helps prevent the spread of toxic misinformation to others; and encephalitis, swelling of the brain, ravages thought processes to erase any notions of vaccines as either ineffective or harmful.
The measles-based treatment is being hailed universally as an overwhelming success with healthcare professionals reporting that the treatment seems to have no lasting adverse effects. “I haven’t had one treated anti-vaxxer come in and complain about side effects,” said Dr. Angie Delgado. “Measles really seemed to have done a killer job.”
All anti-vaccination illness “survivors” were unavailable for comment.