LONDON—Upon learning that the United Kingdom would officially be leaving the European Union, absentee fathers everywhere have been announcing their unconditional support for “Brexit.”
“Anyone can be a man, but it takes a dad who abandoned his own family to realize this is a great decision for the UK,” said Kyle Carpenter, who left his house for a cigarette 30 years ago and never came back.
On June 23, the United Kingdom voted to leave the European Union citing a loss of British sovereignty within the institution’s bureaucracy. The European Union operates a single market, which means that no one actually knows what the European Union does.
The United Kingdom’s decision to pull out has resonated with those who have also suddenly pulled out of stable and healthy relationships. With no substantial warnings or signs, the decision to just abandon the union has confused many who question the need to exit from such a stable partnership.
“Just because the UK is gone, doesn’t mean it won’t still be around,” explained Tyler Worchester, who calls his daughter from his first marriage every so often to ensure her daddy issues are developing appropriately. “It’ll always be in the European Union’s heart.”
“And also living with its babysitter in a secret apartment on Fifth Street.”
At press time, the European Union was confirmed to be acting strong for the sake of its other members. Economists have yet to decide if it will ever feel comfortable going back on the market.