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2016

Report: Judge Who Struck Down Mask Mandate Has A Great Smile

April 26, 2022 Jade Lacy 0

TAMPA — Reporters on the scene at Florida’s Middle District Federal court, where Judge Kathryn Kimball Mizelle recently struck down the mask mandate for public […]

Absentee Fathers Commend United Kingdom On Leaving European Union

June 24, 2016 Nathan Glovinsky 0

LONDON—Upon learning that the United Kingdom would officially be leaving the European Union, absentee fathers everywhere have been announcing their unconditional support for “Brexit.” “Anyone […]

Prospective Student Waits For Dad To Stop Eye-Banging Cheerleaders At Bruin Transfer Day

May 14, 2016 Peter Carman 0

WESTWOOD–Visiting from out of state and touring the campus on Bruin Transfer Day, prospective student John McDermot reportedly spent much of his time at UCLA […]

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Cultured Man Likes Shakespeare On Facebook

May 8, 2016 Kushal Chatterjee 0

WESTWOOD—Local cultural elite Arthur Chesterfield was reported to have liked William Shakespeare’s page on Facebook earlier today. “I just really think the English canon would […]

Donald Trump Announces Donald Trump As Running Mate

May 3, 2016 Hans Oberschelp 0

NEW YORK CITY—Donald Trump announced at a rally this morning that, if nominated, which “[he] might as well have been from the very second [he] […]

Clinton Campaign Builds Moat Around Fundraiser

April 12, 2016 Jack Lyons 0

POTOMAC, MD—Again under fire for their lavish fundraisers, Clinton campaign staffers built a moat surrounding a fundraising event at a private residence in Potomac yesterday […]

African Warlord Offers 20% Discount on Water

March 6, 2016 Hans Oberschelp 0

UGANDA — Charles Masane, leader of the Righteous Liberation Army announced in a press release this morning that water will be discounted 20% this weekend […]

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Westwood Stores Sell Out Of Useless Shit

March 6, 2016 Hans Oberschelp 0

WESTWOOD—Charlotte’s Boutique, a store in Westwood, sold out of its entire stock of useless shit, sources confirm. The store, established in 2009, is frequented by […]

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Whaling Protesters Amazed By How Tasty Whale Is

March 6, 2016 Hans Oberschelp 0

TOKYO — Protesters at the Japanese Cultural Cuisine Association’s annual food sampling last Thursday were shocked to learn that the animal they were fighting to […]

Study: No One Asked for Daily Bruin’s Opinion

March 6, 2016 Nathan Glovinsky 0

WESTWOOD— In a recently-published study conducted by the University of California’s Data Glossary Analysis Forum (DGAF), 0% of undergraduate students enrolled at the Los Angeles […]

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