Historic UCLA Rugby Hazing Ritual Ruined By Guy Who Just Loves To Drink Piss
WESTWOOD — UCLA’s rugby team has been forced to brainstorm new “bonding activities” for potential new members after, to their horror, one student seemed a […]
westwood
Fat Sal’s Goes On Ozempic
WESTWOOD — In an attempt to rebrand as a skinny queen, Fat Sal’s is saying bye-bye to grease and hello to semaglutide in its famous […]
Vacationing Asshole Wears Only UCLA-Branded Clothes
THE CARIBBEAN SEA — Passengers aboard their Christmas Cruise have complained about fifth-year political science major Braeodean Sho-Woff and his exorbitant UCLA-branded outfits, which include […]
Communal Bathrooms Now Only Accessible Through Mobile Order
WESTWOOD — With the resounding success of equipping every dining hall with mobile ordering, UCLA Housing is now seeking to digitize communal bathroom use. “We […]
Yikes! Pre-Med Conducts Emergency Surgery Using LS7A and Grey’s Anatomy
WESTWOOD — First-year biology major Jeffrey Smith bravely executed an impromptu surgery on his lab partner last Thursday in La Kretz using Life Science 7A […]
ROTC Cadet Makes CAPS Appointment For Pre-Traumatic Stress Disorder
WESTWOOD — Third-year ROTC Cadet Sammy Patriot has been desperately calling the CAPS crisis hotline to speak about his self-diagnosed Pre-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). “I […]
UCLA To Open Rendez Midwest Offering Daily Casserole Specials
MIDWESTWOOD — UCLA Dining has unveiled plans to expand its Rendezvous West & East dining halls with an extension focused on a different regional cuisine: […]
Golden Retriever Energy! Man Diagnosed With Bone Cancer
RONALD REAGAN HOSPITAL — Local resident John Smith, a boyish man whose off-putting Hinge bio describes him as having “golden retriever energy,” has recently received […]
Biz Econ Major’s “Connections” Actually Just Parents
WESTWOOD — Fourth-year Business Economics major Cornelius “Chad” Getty recently revealed that the “connections” that got him his job were actually just his parents. “I […]
“Let’s Work On That, Friend!” Roommate Can’t Shake Her Camp Counselor Energy
WESTWOOD — Second-year Education and Social Transformation major Jessica Thomas, better known as Lead Counselor Super Sparkles, came back to campus with a distinct new […]