I Lived It: Blackout Was Nothing Like The Cake From De Neve
WESTWOOD — ‘Twas the first Thursday of the quarter. I had just spent a whirlwind night with the rankly perspiring men of Sigma Nu, but […]
One Millionth Cough Award Given To Guy In The Back Row Of Your Lecture
WESTWOOD — Bunche Hall 1209B made history this Thursday after a guy in the back row of your lecture received the One Millionth Cough Award, […]
Top 5 Dining Hall Beverages That Taste Like Squirt
For such a pathetic lay like myself, squirt comes around just about as often as this drink. Also, much like the splash zones I’ve experienced, […]
Opinion: Hire Chip Kelly
DeShaun Foster is finally gone after 15 infuriating games as UCLA football’s head coach. He sucked so much that Athletic Director Martin Jarmond, occasionally known […]
Opinion: The Fight Song Shouldn’t Have Words
In light of football season starting again, I needed to mentally prepare myself for another fall quarter of watching us crap the bed every single […]
Trump’s $1 Billion Settlement Shuts Down The Westwood Enabler
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Westwood Enabler has been shut down. On Friday, the Trump administration sent UCLA their proposal for a $1 billion settlement, in […]
Antisemitism Is Over! Trump Administration Cuts Funding From Cancer Research
WESTWOOD — After the Trump administration justified cutting research funding to UCLA by citing concerns of antisemitism, Jews and Gentiles alike were shocked when the […]
Opinion: Suck It, Pre-Meds! Now We’re All Going To Be Unemployed
It finally happened. Despite being so against equity and inclusion, Trump finally did something to level the playing field between you pre-meds and us humanities, […]
Roommate Unable To Clean Dorm Because Floor Is Lava
WESTWOOOD – In an emergency press conference inside your dorm today, your roommate announced they are unable to clean because the floor is lava. “I […]