Op-Ed: Global Warming Will Put Florida Underwater. Oh No.
Experts predict that global warming will cause the sea level to rise three to six feet over the next century, putting at least a third […]
Teen Spends Hours Trying On Different Personalities
PORTLAND, OR—Posing in front of her bedroom mirror, 15-year-old Kaitlyn Howard tried on 72 different personalities in the span of five hours. “I like to […]
ISIS Appalled By NRA’s Lack Of Regard For Human Life
RAQQA, SYRIA — In a video that surfaced this last Thursday, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi appears to condemn the National Rifle Association (NRA), citing […]
Arab-Israeli Conflict Resolved In YouTube Comment Section
PALESTINE ISRAEL MIDDLE EAST—Commenting on a Youtube video entitled “Best Potato Kugel Recipe,” vocal members of the internet came together last Tuesday to definitively resolve […]
Freshman Floor Plays Another Fucking Game of Cards Against Humanity
HEDRICK SUMMIT—Starved for human contact, residents of the ninth floor of Hedrick Summit played their fifth game of Cards Against Humanity in three days. “I […]
Area Man Delays Job Search To Start Up Sad Little Webseries
LOS ANGELES–Twenty-three year old Sam Hunts announced via Facebook post Saturday afternoon that he plans to start up a pathetic web series. “Hey everyone, I […]
Woman Eating Alone Reads Sriracha Label Twenty-three Times
WESTWOOD—Noting her intense gaze and furrowed brow, sources confirmed that UCLA student Sophia Wu read her Sriracha bottle’s label a total of 23 times while […]
Disney Acquires Rights To Nation’s History
BURBANK, CA—In an unprecedented and game changing move, The Walt Disney Company purchased the rights to the entire history of the United States from the […]
Rising Actress Cast In Strong, Bland, Cookiecutter Role
LOS ANGELES—Hot off the success of her debut film, actress Alina Benning, 21, announced her upcoming role as the strong, bland, derivative leader of a […]
Local Fish Concerned Reef Becoming Too Gentrified
THE PACIFIC OCEAN — Having slowly watched its reef whiten over the course of several years, on Thursday a local fish expressed concerns that the […]