Woman Eating Alone Reads Sriracha Label Twenty-three Times

Pictured: Wu quietly enjoying her meal.

WESTWOOD—Noting her intense gaze and furrowed brow, sources confirmed that UCLA student Sophia Wu read her Sriracha bottle’s label a total of 23 times while eating lunch alone at Bruin Plate. “I enjoy the original list of ingredients like everyone else, but the Spanish translation is something beautiful. Ooh, magnesio,” said Wu, who sat diagonally across from the solitary diner to her left and two seats down from the one on her right. “Sometimes I like to spice things up with Tapatio or even Kikkoman. I try to read diversely, but I can’t help coming back to the Sriracha. It feels like I discover something new every time I read it.” At press time, Wu was seen refreshing her Yik Yak feed for the third time in 15 minutes.  

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Melissa is an invaluable satirist and talented humor writer with the Enabler who has contributed much material, tangibly and intangibly, to reality, and surreality. Her secrets are hers to keep, I'm not about to start revealing scandalous information in a short bio, not gonna happen!! Why would you even think that? Rude.