WESTWOOD — In a press conference following UCLA Football’s upset victory against now-unranked Penn State, UCLA interim offensive coordinator Jerry Neuheisel revealed that he had hired a witch on Etsy to cast a spell on QB Nico Iamaleava to grant him the magical power of actually moving the ball downfield. “I’ve seen the success that other uhhh… gunslingers have had with Etsy enchantresses, and there’s nothing in the NCAA’s rulebook that prohibits performing incantations for your quarterback,” said Neuheisel, modeling for the sculptor constructing a statue of him to be displayed in front of the Rose Bowl. “I don’t want to spoil too much of next week’s game plan, but the stars are aligned for running back Anthony Woods to literally steamroll the Michigan State defense Looney Tunes-style.” At press time, Neuheisel was seen anointing voodoo dolls of the Bruin receiving corps in super glue in an attempt to make them catch better.