Cole Sprouse Admits He Absorbed Third Sprouse Child In Womb
LOS ANGELES — Earlier this week during an informal interview inside of an Applebee’s, Cole Sprouse revealed that he absorbed his third brother, Sheldon, while […]
news in brief
Richter Scale Objectifies Earthquakes, Claims California Advocacy Group
SAN FRANCISCO — Following a slew of recent earthquakes, a Bay Area advocacy group demanded the use of the Richter scale be discontinued due to […]
Op-Ed: Never Mind, It’s Just Another Amber Alert
WESTWOOD — Oh my god, my phone’s buzzing. Do you hear that? What if it’s something important? Maybe it’s Mark calling, finally confessing his love […]
Father-Son Fishing Trip Goes Sour When Both Realize Fishing Sucks
LAKE MICHIGAN — Last week off the shore of Lake Michigan, a father-son fishing trip took a turn for the worse when they realized that […]
Beto O’Rourke Legally Changes Middle Name To “Kickflip”
EL PASO, TEXAS — In an impromptu press conference held in a Whataburger restaurant yesterday morning, presidential candidate Beto O’Rourke announced that he had legally […]
Epstein Victims Get Day In Court, Free Starbucks Gift Cards
NEW YORK — Nearly three weeks after alleged sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein committed suicide, his many accusers were granted the chance to share their stories […]
Capitol Hill Intern Excited To Finally “Call The Shots”
WESTWOOD — In a frank conversation last Tuesday during his lower-division PS40 discussion section, second-year political science major Jake O’Brien admitted he was looking forward […]
Woman Comfortable With Stranger’s Genitals In Mouth Doesn’t Eat Gluten
WESTWOOD — In a Westwood Enabler exclusive interview, third-year Rebecca Wright announced that she will be starting a gluten-free diet, although she plans to continue […]
Default Browser Somehow Bing Again
WESTWOOD — After attempting to Google-search “Game of Thrones Season 8 Finale Free Streaming 1080p,” second-year biology major Serena Tambor discovered her default browser had […]
Male Scientists Close To Discovering Clitoris’ Location
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services announced Friday that a highly qualified team of male scientists tasked with detailing the […]