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news in brief

TikTok User Doesn’t Actually Like TikTok

November 9, 2020 Arman 0

LOS ANGELES — Following the rise in popularity of TikTok among social media users across the world, local man Matt Mackers shrugged and told reporters […]

Oil Tycoon Promotes Impossible Meat As Best Solution To Global Warming

October 30, 2020 Arman 0

FORT WORTH, TEXAS — Oil tycoon and aspiring activist, Richard Johnston III, issued a press release Thursday promoting the environment-saving potential of switching to Impossible […]

“Beg For It,” Says Automatic Faucet

October 28, 2020 Arman 0

WESTWOOD — According to toilets close with the Enabler, the rightmost automatic faucet in Target has begun demanding bathroom users to “beg for it” in […]

Social Bubble Expands To All Of Westwood

October 23, 2020 Jade Lacy 0

WESTWOOD — After gradually growing over the past several months through totally socially distanced picnics, parties and date nights, one social bubble has finally expanded […]

Candidates Debate Fracking, Vow To Inject Chemicals Into Voters’ Bloodstreams

October 22, 2020 Dylan Wood 0

NASHVILLE — Amid contentious debate over the dangers of hydraulic fracturing, or “fracking,” both presidential candidates have endorsed a plan to inject carcinogens directly into […]

Wow! Bill Murray Crashed This Lucky Fan’s Open-Heart Surgery!

October 15, 2020 Dylan Wood 0

CHICAGO—Comedy legend Bill Murray had people in stitches Tuesday morning when he made an unexpected appearance at Northwestern Memorial Hospital, crashing super-fan Rich Browning’s triple-bypass […]

Cole Sprouse Admits He Absorbed Third Sprouse Child In Womb

November 3, 2019 Ben Robinow 0

LOS ANGELES — Earlier this week during an informal interview inside of an Applebee’s, Cole Sprouse revealed that he absorbed his third brother, Sheldon, while […]

Richter Scale Objectifies Earthquakes, Claims California Advocacy Group

October 29, 2019 Ben Robinow 0

SAN FRANCISCO — Following a slew of recent earthquakes, a Bay Area advocacy group demanded the use of the Richter scale be discontinued due to […]

Op-Ed: Never Mind, It’s Just Another Amber Alert

October 21, 2019 Darryl Daniels 0

WESTWOOD — Oh my god, my phone’s buzzing. Do you hear that? What if it’s something important? Maybe it’s Mark calling, finally confessing his love […]

Father-Son Fishing Trip Goes Sour When Both Realize Fishing Sucks

October 7, 2019 Carl Hatch 0

LAKE MICHIGAN — Last week off the shore of Lake Michigan, a father-son fishing trip took a turn for the worse when they realized that […]

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