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news in brief

UCPD Relapses After Suffering Arrest Withdrawals

May 1, 2025 Shayne Sweet and Zach Fischer 0

WESTWOOD – Last night, UCPD relapsed in their ongoing addiction to arresting innocent students by violently swarming a movie screening and arresting two attendees. “The […]

Man standing in a mirror maze, pointing to reflections of himself. He looks very bewildered.

Other Idiots in Mirror Maze Going The Wrong Way

April 29, 2025 Gabe McNeill 0

HELL — Following a trip to the local mirror maze, resident genius Leon Noel scoffed at all the morons in there going the wrong direction. […]

Idiot Moron Claps At Poetry Reading

April 28, 2025 Shayne Sweet 0

WESTWOOD — This morning, fourth-year American literature and culture major Emily Yonicson humiliated herself and her family as she clapped, not snapped, at a local […]

Heartbreaking! Invisible Lesbian Unable To Celebrate Lesbian Visibility Week

April 26, 2025 Bibinaz Nami 0

WESTWOOD — After attempting to participate in the LGBTQ Campus Resource Center’s event for Lesbian Visibility Week, one lesbian was deeply disappointed by the center’s […]

UC Berkeley Mysteriously Vanishes

April 20, 2025 Vanessa Pare 0

BERKELEY — At approximately 4:20 PM, the East Bay was shocked to discover that their beloved campus of UC Berkeley had disappeared. “I’ve never seen […]

Straight Basketball Players Unionize After Highest Gay Per Capita WNBA Draft

April 15, 2025 Azalea Morris 0

NEW YORK CITY — Straight WNBA players are more outnumbered than ever after the 2025 Draft, sparking the formation of the Straight Union of Ballers […]

Roommates Nationwide Participate in “Never Leave Your Fucking Bed” Challenge

April 14, 2025 Gabe McNeill 0

WESTWOOD — According to the National Roommate Association, a dangerous new craze is sweeping the nation: the “Never Leave Your Fucking Bed” challenge. “HEYYYYYYY whatsgoinonguysitsyaboy […]

Admitted freshmen on the Janss Steps for Bruin Day

Bruin Day Tour Group Throws Peanuts At Students

April 12, 2025 Maggie Kwan 0

WESTWOOD — UCLA Campus Tours announced that as a Bruin Day special, each admitted students tour now comes with a free bag of peanuts for […]

Intrepid Daily Bruin Reporters Find Out Julio Frenk’s Favorite Color

April 7, 2025 Gabe McNeill 0

WESTWOOD — After a grueling investigation that involved bugging meeting rooms, undercover operations, and wiretapping, the Daily Bruin has made headline news announcing that they […]

UCLA Offers Permanent Study Abroad Program

April 6, 2025 Shayne Sweet and Zach Fischer 0

WESTWOOD — Today, UCLA’s administration announced its generous offering of a permanent study abroad program for international students. “As this God-chosen nation’s #1 public university, […]

Posts pagination

1 2 … 12 »

  • UCPD Relapses After Suffering Arrest Withdrawals

    WESTWOOD – Last night, UCPD relapsed in their ongoing addiction to arresting innocent students by violently swarming a movie screening and arresting two attendees. “The […]

  • UCPD Arrests Student For Thinking About Palestine

    WESTWOOD — UCPD officers reported that their week of sitting on their asses at Royce has finally proven useful as they arrested a passerby for […]

  • Man standing in a mirror maze, pointing to reflections of himself. He looks very bewildered.

    Other Idiots in Mirror Maze Going The Wrong Way

    HELL — Following a trip to the local mirror maze, resident genius Leon Noel scoffed at all the morons in there going the wrong direction. […]

  • Julio Frenk’s “Listening Exercise” Is Cuck Play Where He Listens To Me And My Lover Through The Door

    Dear Bruin Community: Since Julio began his listening exercise in February, I have met with 29 men and women, and more than 5,000 non-binary baristas, […]

  • Idiot Moron Claps At Poetry Reading

    WESTWOOD — This morning, fourth-year American literature and culture major Emily Yonicson humiliated herself and her family as she clapped, not snapped, at a local […]

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Gabe McNeill
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