UCLA School of Public Health Recommends Washing Your Damn Hands, Alex
WESTWOOD—Last week, faculty from UCLA’s College of Public Health recommended that after using the restroom Alex should wash his damn hands. “Handwashing is an easy […]
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Report: Feminists Develop Less Phallic Toothbrush
WESTWOOD—Feminist entrepreneurial group, For Her Inc., announced the development of a new, less phallic toothbrush for women to be rolled out in the fall quarter […]
Nation Yearning For Simpler Nixon Scandals
WASHINGTON–In the wake of revelations that United States Attorney General Jeff Sessions lied under oath during his Senate confirmation hearing regarding his 2016 meetings with […]
Moonlight’s Win Absolves Academy of Passive Racial Exclusivity
LOS ANGELES — Following Moonlight‘s Oscars win for Best Picture, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences was happily absolved of all racial prejudice […]
Nation Wishes Warren Beatty Had Announced Presidential Election
LOS ANGELES — After Warren Beatty mistakenly announced the wrong winner of Best Picture at the Oscars, Americans around the country were heard wishing that […]
Westwood Enabler Banned From Spicer’s Press Briefing
WASHINGTON D.C. – Reporters from The Westwood Enabler called in to report that Press Secretary Sean Spicer had barred them from attending his off-camera Q&A […]
Op-Ed: So Pedophilia Is The Line?
As the world’s most dangerous faggot™ I, Milo Yiannopoulos, have always strived to present the true and disturbing facts about the cancerous spread of third […]
Top 8 UCLA Date Ideas
Still not sure how to impress your date on Valentine’s Day? Here are some ideas guaranteed to get you a “that was nice!” text afterwards. […]
Report: Guy At B-Plate Really Going For Those Brussels Sprouts
WESTWOOD–Sources confirmed that around 6:30 last night, this guy at B-Plate was really going for the brussels sprouts, appearing stoic as he rammed the metal […]
Area Man Loved That Cinematography
WESTWOOD—Citing the director’s artistic use of various camera techniques in a new movie he saw on Tuesday, area man Noah Pitzer loved that cinematography. “The […]