UN Classifies One Floor Elevator Rides As War Crime
WESTWOOD — This afternoon, the UN passed a resolution to reclassify one-floor elevator trips from a low-level faux pas to a fully fledged war crime. […]
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God Beginning To Wonder Whether Anything In Bible Actually Happened
BETHLEHEM — Following thousands of years of religious discourse, God admitted in an exclusive interview Monday that he has doubts about how accurately His holy […]
Iceberg Unhappy With Portrayal In Titanic
ARCTIC CIRCLE — Last week, Paramount Pictures received a complaint from the iceberg that sank the RMS Titanic, stating dissatisfaction with its cameo in James Cameron’s […]
Macron Calls To Congratulate USAC President-Elect
PARIS — When news of Friday’s undergraduate student council election results reached across the Atlantic, French President Emmanuel Macron rushed to be the first to […]
coalition of lo-fi artists ban capital letters
a basement — this tuesday, a board of music producers in charge of overseeing the lo-fi artistic community released a memo to their constituency banning […]
Mitch McConnell Revealed As True Father Of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
WASHINGTON — In a stunning turn of events, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R – KY) has been confirmed as the true biological father of […]
Bowser Claims Fatherhood Of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Files Paternity Suit
KOOPA KINGDOM — Following the Trump administration’s recent deregulations in inter-franchise family law, Bowser, King of the Koopas, is seeking custody of the Teenage […]
Study: The Average Person Has Eight Spiders Crawl Into Their Mouth During Sex Every Single Year
RICHMOND, VA — A recent study commissioned by the American Arachnological Society (AAS) confirmed that an average of eight spiders crawl into a person’s mouth […]
P: Men Are Born Free, And Everywhere He Is In Chains. CP: Do Yo Chain Hang Low And Wobble To Da Flow?
Point Men Are Born Free, And Everywhere He Is In Chains. By: Jean-Jacques Rousseau You may believe you are a free individual, but in reality, […]