Opinion: Rejecting Donald Trump From Art School Was A Bad Idea
Rejecting Donald Trump from art school wasn’t the best idea. Listen, I know that Donald Trump’s art is absolute dogshit. Watching Donald Trump try to […]
Murmurs & Rants
Upstairs Neighbor Bad At Sex
WESTWOOD — Early Tuesday morning, third-year biology major Cee Bat was awoken by a loud noise emanating from above her, and was forced into a […]
A Letter To Prospective Student Tour Groups: I’m Better Than You
Dear prospective student tour groups, I was once like you. Young, naïve, a newbie to the UCLA campus jungle. What separates me from you, though, […]
One Millionth Cough Award Given To Guy In The Back Row Of Your Lecture
WESTWOOD — Bunche Hall 1209B made history this Thursday after a guy in the back row of your lecture received the One Millionth Cough Award, […]
Nation Condemns Shooter For Not Being Hot Enough
WASHINGTON, DC — The shooting of Republican spokesman Charlie Kirk by 22-year-old Tyler Robinson has left Americans appalled by the fact that Robinson is not […]
Trend Watch: Going Commando At Undie Run
Enough is enough. Every time the UV level is a 7, everybody and their mother is out getting sunburnt on Janss in a bikini top. […]
Ask The Enabler: Does “Bisexual” Mean You Fuck Twice A Week, Or Once Every Two Weeks?
Here at the Westwood Enabler, the closest thing UCLA has to a bisexual awareness club, we’ve been plagued by the following question: does “bisexual” mean […]
I Lived It: The Corner I Was Going To Stand In At The Party Got Taken
As a Mysterious Fella, it’s important for me to have a nice corner to stand in at parties. There’s really nothing like holding a clammy […]
I Lived It: An Old Friend Reached Out Just To Share Their Beats
It’s a cool early summer evening. The moon is glowing, the stars are shining, and I’m taking advantage of this peaceful night by scrolling through […]
Opinion: They Should Let The New Pope Have Gay Sex Once So He Can See If It Should Still Be Banned Or Not
With the death of Pope Francis, the first “woke pope,” the cardinals will soon enter conclave to pick the newest pontifex. I liked Pope Francis. […]