Penn State Score Prediction: 22 Dead, 83 Injured
PASADENA — As Penn State’s Nittany Lions prepare to play the Bruins this Saturday, recent reports from the top experts at FanDuel Sportsbook have revealed […]
Crime
Antisemitism Is Over! Trump Administration Cuts Funding From Cancer Research
WESTWOOD — After the Trump administration justified cutting research funding to UCLA by citing concerns of antisemitism, Jews and Gentiles alike were shocked when the […]
Top Five Easiest Felonies To Get Your Finals Cancelled
Uh oh. Finals are already here, and despite saying you were going to “lock in next week” for the past nine weeks, you haven’t a […]
National Guard Officer Also Bummed Westwood Village Doesn’t Have Shit To Do
WESTWOOD — After the National Guard entered Westwood Village yesterday afternoon, many soldiers were disappointed to find out that there was nothing to do in […]
Worst Couple You Know Breaks Up
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Yesterday, the two worst people you know ended their months-long situationship. “All men do is cheat, lie, and make massive, outrageous, pork-filled […]
Opinion: Half The Government Is Fired And I Still Need A Real ID?
Elon Musk, If you can find any room in your Grinch-sized heart, please do your job for once. If you are trying to make the […]
Julio Frenk Takes “Fuck the Police” Seriously, Last Seen Naked In Royce Hall
WESTWOOD — After a recent protest marched up to Murphy Hall, home of the office of the chancellor, Julio Frenk decided to hear out the […]
“Counting To 10” And Other Woke Ideologies Sesame Street Is Using To Indoctrinate Your Kids
Well, it’s official: President Trump has signed an executive order cutting funding to PBS. And thank the canonically white God, because the hit kids’ show […]
UCPD Relapses After Suffering Arrest Withdrawals
WESTWOOD – Last night, UCPD relapsed in their ongoing addiction to arresting innocent students by violently swarming a movie screening and arresting two attendees. “The […]
UCPD Arrests Student For Thinking About Palestine
WESTWOOD — UCPD officers reported that their week of sitting on their asses at Royce has finally proven useful as they arrested a passerby for […]