WESTWOOD — To combat the unprofitable number of students who exhibit reasonable sleep schedules and a healthy work-life balance, the UCLA Copious Amounts of Pessimistic Students (CAPS) center recently launched the “B-ruining Lives” anti-wellness resource center. “Our ideal student mindset is that of the masochist aroused by failure,” remarked program employee Deedee Prest, pelting stress balls at passersby and wearing a T-shirt saying ‘I <3 CBT (both kinds).’ “Thanks to our new and highly effective treatment called ‘Midterms Every Goddamn Week’, we’ll be sure to boost student depression rates and get back to the #1 public university in no time!” At press time, Prest kept interrupting the interview to tell students passing by that they are never going to get that summer internship, everybody is smarter than their little bitch ass, they smell like foot fungus, and that AI will take their place and their girlfriend too.