ANN ARBOR, MI—After years of intensive research, the International Forum on Trigger Warnings (IFTW) have concluded their work, and have definitively stated that trigger warnings are, indeed, totally gay. This finding was reported by esteemed psychologist and researcher Ludwig N’yansabo during a press conference at the University of Michigan, Ann Arbor.
“What we have come to understand, through rigorous testing and copious logical reasoning, is that trigger warnings are totally gay. Only the weakest and pussiest members of society find them necessary, and for that reason we recommend they be banned immediately, unless you are all little bitches.” N’yansabo went on to point out several statistical correlations between people who use trigger warnings and gayness, pussiness, and newbishness. “These correlations cannot be denied, unless you are really gay and try to put a trigger warning on this interview.”
Yoboi Halyah, a student at the university, was pleased with the results of the study. “I mean, I always knew it, trigger warnings are totally gay. Last year, I wrote a piece for the paper about sadism, and they put a trigger warning on it, like, what the hell kind of little bitch does something like that?” Yoboi went on to say that, “It’s about time people start manning up and learning that this isn’t Socialist Sweden where everyone’s feelings matter, this is America, where only my feelings matter.”
Esteemed Stanford political science professor Mantsuko Yamaguchi expressed gratitude for the ruling, claiming it had been getting in the way of him teaching effectively. “I used to do this seminar every fall about genocide and political techniques used to torture people into depression and insanity, but a few years ago, a few kids got the the course flagged as triggering and now there are only fifteen people in it. Back in the old days, sometimes I had twenty.”
Activists across the nation are striking back against the findings of the study, claiming that they do not take into account the impact on students with anxiety and depression. N’yansabo dismissed the complaints. “Look, if you are getting upset over this, you are clearly totally gay, or else why would you even be bringing this up? If you have problems, you should just get over it, because life is not fair. I once fell into a swimming pool and nearly drowned. I don’t ask for extra signs for every body of water, even if the very thought of getting wet makes me sweat and shiver uncontrollably.” He shook his head and gathered his things. “I don’t, because I’m not a little bitch.”
