WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a revelatory study released last week, the Environmental Protection Agency claimed that not too bad, but slightly chilly days may be eradicated by 2050, making Earth uninhabitable for those wearing light jackets. “Our study utilized advanced climate modeling technology to determine that it would be too hot to wear a zip-up, denim jacket, or even a very thin hoodie in the next few decades,” explained lead scientist Lucielle Fisher, whose previous research includes how long walks on the beach could be impacted by warming oceans. “People need to wake up and see just how serious climate change is. Even cardigans could be in danger if we don’t act soon. At least Washington is sure to pay attention—you can’t play golf without a light sweater.” Despite the extensive scope of the study, the effect global warming may have on flannels remains unclear.
