WESTWOOD — A team of sociologists from UCLA, working in conjunction with distinguished scholars from the University of Washington and Saint Mary’s College, have concluded that 78 percent of people don’t realize how miserable they should be.
“The results were about what I expected,” said lead researcher Arjun Bhakta, with a smirk and shrug. “Each person we interviewed was just as fatuous and complacent as the next, completely ignorant of how fragile and pointless their precious lives were. This study has confirmed my many suspicions, all of them.”
The team published their findings via Dr. Bhakta’s blog, “Wake Up America!” where it resonated immediately with males under the age of 17 and disillusioned war veterans. The study surveyed the lives of 10,000 Americans over the time span of 8 years and was funded primarily by residuals from Dr. Bhakta’s recent book: You’re Dumb and Here’s Why, currently sitting at number 6 on the New York Times’ Best Seller list.
“One of our subjects was a young med-student,” said Bhakta, using a bunsen burner to light a cigarette. “She was brimming with hope for the future and passion for her research, she really thought she could make a positive difference in the world,” Bhakta paused to let out a breath of smoke, “but that won’t ever happen. She’s lying, she’s really doing this because it’s what her parents wanted, it’s always about what they want. Eventually they’ll ask her to support them, to pay off their debts, to give up more of her life in thankless service to their selfishness. Then they’ll pass away, without a hint of love for their daughter, and she’ll be left broken, wondering what the hell she’s even doing here, mark my words.”
The major point Bhakta and the other researchers emphasized was that most of these individuals were never aware of how utterly pathetic their lives were, how miserable they should be and that there was nothing to be done or worth doing because life is meaningless and nothing matters.
“One interviewee in particular,” continued Bhakta, “almost broke me. He told me about his loving wife, beautiful kids, and rewarding yet challenging career, all of which filled him with a sense of happiness and satisfaction. Ha! What a stupid idiot! Soon enough his children will resent him for spending all his time on research, really important research too! They’ll call him a ‘failure,’ a ‘neglectful father;’ yes they will, give it time. And his wife will start fooling around with Derek from down the street and complain that he’s never home, that all he ever thinks about is research, but research that will one day change the world! She won’t understand that though, and then they’ll all leave him, I guarantee it, then he’ll see what that happiness is worth.”
The federal government began an initiative last month to further investigate the root causes of this rampant ignorance. When asked what we could do to remedy the problem, Bhakta responded, “Burn it all,” while staring intently at an indistinguishable point on the distant horizon.