WASHINGTON, DC — A study released by the United States Department of Commerce Thursday found that college students are spending an increasing amount of money on textbooks as opposed to useful shit. The study loosely defined “useful shit” as pens, socks, tiger-themed laptop skins, or items otherwise categorized as “shit people would actually use.” “When analyzing the spending patterns of American college students, what we’ve discovered is that in many cases, students are willing to blow their money on some dumb-ass textbook when they could have just as easily been putting those funds towards things that would actually help them out in a class,” said finance expert Peter Green, noting that having required reading materials is more often than not, just some bullshit excuse to make a class seem more legitimate. “A vast majority of students never crack the damn things open, receiving all the information they need simply by attending lectures […] Why these students don’t spend that money on a broken clock radio or, say, a half-dozen bricks and carry those around in their backpack for 10 weeks straight is beyond me.” The study concluded by saying that although many professors recommend buying previous editions of a textbook, it’s still a butt-load of money and nobody’s about to spend that much. ❖
