Report: Muscle Just Fat Pushed Together A Lot

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Upon the study’s release, bodybuilders everywhere have forgone lean chicken breasts and vegetables in favor of deep-fried, bacon-wrapped ice cream pizzas.

SEATTLE—A recent study released by the Institute of Molecular Sciences at the University of Washington has conclusively proved that muscle is formed by the pushing together of excess fat. “Through an extensive series of tests involving the prolonged squeezing and compressing of fat, my colleagues and I have discovered the process responsible for the conversion of fat to the hard muscle that is desired by the populace,” stated Julian Wells, professor emeritus of medicine at the university, adding that performing the same technique on a pregnant womb could lead to the development of hyper-muscular fetuses and encourage the participation of the fetus in the soon-to-be speedy birthing process. “It all boils down to simple physics, really. The more the nuclei of the fat atoms are pushed together, the greater the average density of the flesh. And high average density, as commonly known, is the defining property of muscle mass.” Dr. Wells then went on to give tangible proof by showcasing his own compressed abdominal muscles.