Obama Makes Cuts To Length Of Day

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Several proposed policies involve removing the sun entirely.
Several policy-makers have suggested removing the sun entirely.

WASHINGTON—Citing the immense cost it takes to power the sun as well as a lack of sun-related job creation, president Obama announced today that the federal government will be extending its drastic cuts to the number of a daylight hours in a day, effective throughout the fall season. “America can no longer support such a massive ball of gas performing nuclear fission at such an incredible rate,” said the president in a press conference early Monday morning. “As of today, the sun will set at exactly 6:47 PM, no exceptions. Tomorrow, that time will be 6:45 PM. This will continue every day until further notice.” While many Democrat’s have commended president Obama in his efforts, several house Conservatives have criticized the order as an abuse of the executive branch’s power to alter the velocity of the earth’s rotation, declaring it “the worst presidential action since the invention of the moon.” Though the fate of the sun remains uncertain, insiders suggest that the president will reassess his order come December 21, after which he will consider the possibility of slowly reintroducing more and more sunlight into the day until the Summer Solstice.