WESTWOOD—After being alerted to an alarming spell of hate speech taking place outside of Kerckhoff hall today, Our Lord God, Divine Creator of the Universe and Ruler of All Things Holy sent his only son to speak before the masses in hopes of easing nerves and restoring some amount of faith in Him. “I’m getting awful sick of these fundies telling people what I think. Usually I’m all for free speech, but damn these guys are annoying. Hopefully my boy can knock some sense into them,” said the Almighty. Arriving in flowing robes, a crown of thorns, and slick horn-rimmed sunglasses, the Messiah delivered a message of peace and tolerance before curing several students of their STIs and performing miracles upon request. The Son of God then concluded his sermon by sarcastically “forgiving” the trouble-makers before suddenly banishing them all to hell. “My Father has a zero-tolerance policy on being a buzzkill. I hope people realize that now,” said His Holiness as he ascended back to heaven.❖
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