WESTWOOD—Third year biology major Margaret Small confirmed that she is totally happy, in fact “practically leaping out of her seat” at the prospect of having to watch an unknown man’s tote bag while he goes to use the restroom. “Oh yeah, sure. It’s not like I have anything better to do, like, say for example, a chemistry final at 8:00 AM tomorrow morning which could potentially be half of my grade,” said the student in an interview with the Enabler. “This is great, it really is. Thanks a lot, complete stranger. In fact, why don’t you just leave all of your shit here. Fucking pile it up on top of my chem book, why don’t you. I don’t mind.” The owner of the tote bag was unavailable for comment. At press time, Margaret has nonverbally agreed to watch a woman’s laptop while she goes to get coffee with her friends.❖
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