Murmurs & Rants: Fuck Cal

Dear Cal,

Fuck you. No, seriously. Fuck you. Who even let you happen? We, the students of every other UC ever, have a list of grievances to share with you. Allow me to air them:

First of all, Cal. Why the fuck do you call yourselves Cal? Cal might have been an accurate description… once. You’re no longer the only UC. There are several UCs now, and yet you continue to act like you’re the only one. What makes you think this is okay? All of your shirts, sweatshirts, water bottles, whatever, say Cal. None say UC Berkeley. Do you know what you are? You’re a UC. UC Berkeley. You happen to have been built first. Good job, we can’t really change time. That doesn’t give you the right to speak for all of us. When we play you in sports, signs say we play against “California.” You aren’t the whole damn state. You’re a city, and a really shitty one at that. Let’s move on to that next.

So now that we’ve established that you’re UC Berkeley, let’s talk about Berkeley itself. Berkeley is just a really shitty version of San Francisco and we all know it. You can see San Fran from your campus, right? (So I’ve been told. I wasn’t very impressed during your admissions tour and wasn’t really paying attention) And then you look around, and you’re surrounded by filth and disgustingness. Every other UC exists in a nice little area of safety. You live on campus, you have res halls with cute little names, and there are stores on campus, too! You technically don’t really have to leave campus unless you really want to… unless you go to UC Berkeley. You can’t even live on campus there. You live, like, three or four blocks off campus. Seriously?

Moving on, there’s also an issue to be had with your school spirit and colors and whatever else comes with your little circlejerk of Berkeley-hood. According to the internet, your colors are Yale Blue and California Gold. I accept your “California” gold. After all, gold is an important part of California history. But Yale Blue? Are you serious? Yale isn’t even nearby. Why did you take their color? I’ll admit here, before you start bitching, that all of our colors are variants of yours. But that’s because we’re a system. We share them. You just straight up snaked that color from an institution you want to be. Plus, your worship of your mascot, Oski the Bear, doesn’t make sense either. You refer to him as Him, or He, or, y’know, the way most people refer to a deity? Do you know where your god’s name comes from? A stupid cheer that you don’t even use anymore. Ask around. I bet no one even knows the cheer.

I would like to draw your attention to the URL www.stanfordrejects.com. Do you know where that redirects? Yep, you guessed it. www.berkeley.edu. You aren’t anyone’s first choice. People go to your school when they can’t get into Ivy Leagues. Maybe this is where your Yale Blue comes from – to comfort your students and carry on your faux Ivy League reputation.

Something I do remember from your tour is a Nobel parking lot. You have to win a Nobel Prize to park there I believe, right? Guess what the other UCs have. No really, guess. NORMAL PARKING LOTS. BECAUSE WE AREN’T DICKS. This weird superiority complex you have needs to stop. You aren’t incredibly special. You’re just like the rest of us – a UC. A fine research institution, but just one of many. You are not a special snowflake. Deal with it.

 

So, all in all, fuck Cal. Seriously.

Sincerely,

Everyone else in the goddamn world.❖