INTERNETS—The humor sector was gravely dismayed after an established satirical humorous comedy newspaper released to its trusting, naive readers a story which failed to be either satirical, humorous, or comedy, in probably any and all literal and liberal uses of the words.
“It just kinda… sucked.” recalled internet curmudgeon and convicted slash-fic-er Linda Hornblatt. “At first I was like, ‘Where are they going with this?’—But by then it was too late. I had wasted my life. I mean wasted my time.” Her story is not the only one—“On the internet? Are they for real?” recounted Seth Scatwa of Denver, Co., who requested to remain anonymous for the purposes of this or any story. “I get that they have to churn out a butt-load and a half of articles or whatever, but there’s no need to dump this rat shit on the world. Standards or gtfo.”
The backlash has put the unnamed publication in a tremendously compromised position. Said one editor, Richard Richard, whose first name has been repeated to conceal his second: “Sure, given a second chance, I’d have done things differently. Given a third chance, I’d do it the same way. And were I given an additional, fourth chance, I’d do it differently from how different I would have had done it the second time – were I given that first second chance in the first place. Second place.”
The outbreak of potentially non-violent resistance has been so great, publishers have reportedly begun to question their own commitment to satirical humorous comedy news. “It’s difficult to know how to continue,” confessed Charles Manson, whose name has been changed to implicate the guilty. “Sure, it’s just one article. But that article could have been read by over tens of fifteens of people: we can’t begin to comprehend how this might affect our readership. Sure, sometimes you have to accept a below average piece, not at all for the sake of its’ content or merit, but because of the overwhelmingly dull prospect of having to deny an author to express their own humor-less sense of humor. Sometimes these pricks railroad this shlock into print. From that point, it’s up to the web-jackals to shred their flesh like taco meat.”
Editor in Chief Adolf “Tim Sherman” Hitler, whose name has been revealed in quotations between the first and last of one of history’s most villainous pranksters for sake of posterity, fears having to scrap his entire pitiful enterprise: “We’re not shutting down. The writer has been severely disciplined, rest assured, and with a rake no less. That’s right. All the way up. Till he looked like the saddest peacock this world has ever seen. Now get out of my office.”
The controversial story itself was scheduled to be removed from the publications online internet website on the world wide web, yet as of press time it remains digitally available, on the web’s online internet page, at the http:// part of the surfable net.;;