Facebook Releases New Timeline Based On Family Members’ Most Offensive Posts

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Facebook's new timeline was created to showcase offensive posts.
Facebook’s new timeline was created to showcase offensive posts.

MENLO PARK, CA – With the general election weeks away, political commentary that nobody asked for from Facebook users’ normally inactive older relatives has increased, prompting the company to restructure its timeline feeds.

“This new timeline will prioritize the controversial posts that users want to see over the useless life updates they are used to,” said Facebook executive Eric Lee, who thought of the idea last June. “Social media has made it easier for the most ill-informed individuals to assault us with their objectionable political opinions. Those of us on the receiving end can’t help but be compelled to share our incredulity with our peers.”

Employees at Facebook have been drafting the code behind the new timeline feed for months. In determining what statuses will be seen, the code will take into account factors such as recurring buzzwords (e.g. “crooked,” “ethnics,” or “freedom”), degree of white privilege, and interaction with like-minded followers.

“We are finding that users often get more enjoyment out of the replies than the original post itself,” Lee said. “A moderately absurd idea can become utterly nonsensical after only a few comments. It’s quite amazing. Someone’s uncle shares an Op-Ed from FrontPage Mag about refugees and after minimal exchange everyone’s advocating for another Iraq war.”

Lee has also stated that the company plans on adding a filter feature with which users can narrow postings based on specific categories such as “Islamophobia,” “Planned Parenthood,” or “Government Conspiracy Theories.” The company does not know how long the new timeline order will last, but expects its popularity to continue up until the point people stop finding humor in such idiocy and start realizing that they are actually somehow related to these people.