LOS ANGELES — Despite the continuation of the scholastic quarter at UCLA and other moderately impressive learning institutions, the Federal Bureau of Education has announced that a nation-wide fucks shortage has caused the cancellation of over 7,000 courses indefinitely.
While there was an expectation of outrage being expressed by the incredibly inconvenienced student bodies in the face of this widespread nihilistic gridlock, the effects of the fucks deficit have all but paralyzed an entire generation otherwise eager protesters. “Honestly dude, normally I’d be super pissed, y’know? Maybe try occupying something…” said Geoff Rivera, 7th year Environmental Literature Major at UC Santa Fransisco. “But I just don’t really care. It’s like asking me to fight for equal rights for blow-up sex dolls. Who really care about that, besides my fat uncle and his weird friend? As the old saying goes, ‘I dee-gee a F.’”
But the fuckrisis has already spread far beyond the world of academia: “We are standing on the edge of an unprecedented fucks-to-give recession, the magnitude of which has not been seen since Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for…um… peace?” Said Franklin Lacey, head of staff at the National Apathy Institute, the watchdog organization which enumerates the average levels of givable fucks available.
“It’s just staggering to see such low levels of fuckery exchanged,” Lacey continued, his dirty feet up on his coworkers desk, with a noticeably grizzled appearance and strange, unkempt odor emanating from his stained clothes. “It’s affecting the entire Fuck Stock Market, or Fuckxchange, a virtual construct we use to gauge the international value of any given fuck in any given situation – In order to determine, say, how a fuck given from a crab fisherman in Maine compares to a fuck given by a Bosnian scrap metal dealer. Turns out they have less in common than you may have perhaps not realized.”
While analysts like Lacey have charted the growth and decline of fuck-dispensary in an economic sense, researchers at the Center For Disease Control have taken particular interest in the pathological spread of this lacklusterness, which they have termed, “Fuck-agedon”.
“We’ve determined that it is endemic to people who’ve achieved a certain quality of existence, such as not needing to hunt or gather food.” said Beyonce Ernst, head of fake disease research. “It also seems to be much more prevalent in areas where there are more than at least three iPhone 6’s or more. Beyond that, anyone is susceptible to being affected by this trend of extremely low fucks-givings.”
While the UN has not yet declared an international state of emergency, it is clear that the US is facing the worst “Great Fuck-pression” since the housing market bust of the late 2000’s. It was during that period when Americans were first introduced to arduously waiting for hours in communal fuck lines, through which each county and district could ration out their low levels of remaining, procurable fucks. Although a return to such a grim vision of the American fuck industry’s future is daunting, we can take solace in the general resilience of the fuck-economy, and its ability to stabilize itself when viewed in a broader context, owing in part to a phenomenon which experts refer to as, “voodoo fuckenomics.”
