LAGUNA BEACH, CA — Mother of two Stacy Waldorf confirmed to reporters Sunday afternoon that on a recent trip to Laguna Beach, her two children, Landon and Mia, had constructed a small castle using only sand, water, and the cremated remains of deceased school teacher Gregory Stiller.
According to Waldorf, the beach trip was Landon’s and Mia’s reward for getting good grades on their last report cards. “The kids have been doing so well in their studies,” said Waldorf. “And they’d been asking to go to the beach for a while. They had never seen the ocean before. They had never collected seashells out of the sand. They had never even played with the incinerated remains of another human being. It was a day of firsts.”
It was also a day of firsts for the close friends of Gregory Stiller who, for the first time in their lives, scattered the ashes of their late loved one across Laguna Beach just hours before the Waldorfs’ arrival. “We sprinkled Greg at Laguna because it was his favorite surfing spot,” said close friend Brian Knox. “He always said it was there where he felt ‘most alive’. Now probably not so much though.”
Beaches have become popular ash-scattering destinations for those possessing burned-up dead people in jars owing to the coastal locales’ natural beauty and convenient access.
During Stiller’s scattering, a westerly sea breeze carried his ashes not out-to-sea, as intended, but back onto the beach. “In hindsight, we probably should have let the wind die down,” said Knox. “But after Greg’s prolonged stint on life support, I think we’d all had enough of ‘letting things die’.”
Knox added that because of the wind, it became hard to tell “what was Greg and what was to later be used by children as construction materials.” As a result, they simply left the two undiscerned.
Despite the presence of human corpse dust amongst the children’s castle-building components, Landon and Mia Waldorf were able to successfully build a historically-accurate 13th-century sand castle with the assistance of plastic pails and shovels. “I made this,” said 5-year old Landon Waldorf, showing a photo of a bastion that was 85% sand, 9% water, and 6% Stiller’s urinary tract.
Said 10-year-old Mia Waldorf: “We made this. We both helped make it. At the start, Landon and I were trying to make our own castles, but we realized that by working together we could make a better, bigger castle. Two heads are better than one. And three’s even better!”
After seeing Landon’s and Mia’s man-made castle, Stacy Waldorf expressed pride for her children’s accomplishment: “My little architects! They’ve always been so good with their hands. Anybody’s hands really.”
Waldorf told reporters that this beach trip was a memory her children would not soon forget, citing “sunshine”, “salty air”, and “the feeling of another man’s toes between your toes” as things Landon and Mia would hold with them for the rest of their lives.
Agreeing that the day was indeed a “memorable one”, Knox explained how the “beautiful” sand castle was actually the perfect sendoff for Stiller: “What a wonderful thing these children made. If Greg knew he had a hand in it, he’d be ecstatic. Over the moon. Greg was an elementary school teacher. He devoted his life to children – to molding young minds. It’s only fitting that, in the end, they would mold his.”
Finally able to gain some closure, friends of Stiller reported that their companion was finally at peace. Said Knox: “Greg erected by a couple of kids. I don’t think he’d have it any other way.”