First-Year Re-evaluates Entire Life After Receiving B+

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LOS ANGELES— Upon receiving his fall grades, first year John Perff was horrified to realize that he had received a B+ in his introductory Backpack Theory class. Perff reportedly called it the most serious failure of his academic career and that it had drastic and far-reaching consequences.

“This sets back my plans for the future significantly. I was hoping to move on to Backpack Applications, then follow up with Backpack Usage, but after getting a B+, I just don’t know if I have the academic preparation required to succeed in the class,” Perff said. According to Perff, this B+ could be the first step down a slippery slope to failing classes and dropping out of college altogether. “I really need to get my act together.”

He has reportedly sworn off socializing and enjoying himself this quarter, stating that happiness comes second to maintaining a high GPA that matches his perfect high school record. “I need grad schools to know that having a life isn’t important to me. School comes first,” Perff said.

Perff’s family expressed dismay at his behavior, his father stating, “The kid needs to relax.”

His peers, however, are much less concerned. Most people who know Perff had very little to say about him. “We all agree that he can go shove his GPA up his ass,” one friend noted.