LOS ANGELES—Working overtime due to an inability to tell his boss “No”, area father Peter Goodall failed to show up for his unborn son’s conception Wednesday.
According to Goodall’s wife, Nora, the infant was conceived at 5:41 pm, as her work-obsessed husband finished closing a sale at his downtown office 18 miles from her fallopian tubes.
“Peter’s been spending more and more time at work lately, and with him out of the house, I’ve been left alone to my own devices,” said Nora Goodall. “I quickly found those devices to be insufficient surrogates for the touch of a real man, so I started fucking the gardener.”
When asked how her pregnancy would affect the family, Nora Goodall expressed optimism that the new baby would bring them all closer together. She told reporters that she hoped “missing her period” could help her better sympathize with her husband who “misses everything”.
“Peter’s never there anymore,” explained Nora Goodall. “Last month, he missed seeing our daughter score the winning goal at her championship soccer game and on Wednesday, he missed Enrique scoring with me.”
The rest of the family is also enthusiastic about the prospect of a new member. “The girls are very excited to have a baby brother!” said Peter Goodall, referencing the existing pair of children over whom he routinely prioritizes his work and whose paternities are also up-for-debate.
Goodall’s manager, Hal Carlson, offered congratulations to the family, positing that should the child inherit any of Peter’s traits, it would likely be the “industriousness and commitment” which prevented him from attending the recent fertilization of his wife’s egg.
Nora Goodall agreed: “Oh, he’ll have his dad’s work ethic alright. Those Latinos are a hard-working people.”
She added that she intends to keep her son’s true parentage a secret, specifying that if Peter was too oblivious to notice his occupational zealousness was “estranging him from his wife and kids”, he would surely not realize the boy was “too Honduran” to be his.
“The bastard will never know,” said Nora Goodall, “and neither will my husband.”
Peter Goodall conceded that he has “not been the most attentive father”. However, he vowed to “spend more time with the little ones from now on”, making yet another hollow pledge in what would eventually be described by his wife’s divorce attorney as “a disturbing pattern of unfulfilled promises.”