WESTWOOD—Sources confirmed last Tuesday that the infamous troll of Bruin Walk, Jiles Grumpus, has run out of riddles and begun asking students if they are interested in a cappella.
Grumpus has been a Bruin Walk icon for many years, most notably for his trademarked technique, the “Stop-and-Stump™,” in which he stops a student on their way to class and “stumps them with a top-notch riddle.” If the students are unable to solve the riddle, they will then be forced to pay a small toll.
“I have never been able to walk down Bruin Walk without having to keep my eyes out for that guy,” said Brianna Jansen, a third year history student. “Say what you will about the troll industry, but Jiles sure is dependable.”
However, Grumpus’ technique has drastically changed in the last few weeks. Rather than providing a “nice, tricky riddle,” Grumpus has taken to asking his detained students if they are interested in joining an acoustic performing group. Several students have since been able to traverse all of Bruin Walk without paying any kind of toll.
Sources suggest that Grumpus has started asking about A Capella only because he has run out of new riddles and is seeking other ways to detain passing students. “It all started around the beginning of the quarter,” said second-year anthropology student, Zhang Wei. “I was so nervous when he first stopped me this year, but I actually knew the answer to his riddle, so he just asked me if I was interested in a cappella and then let me pass when I took a flyer.”
“I mean, it makes sense,” said Jansen. “So many other people get students to stop by asking them if they want to join a club. I don’t see why he shouldn’t give it a shot too.”
When asked about the reasoning behind his new strategy, Grumpus admitted that he has been having a hard time coming up with new riddles. “Oh, I know why everyone’s heard my riddles. Do you? Here’s a hint: it’s everywhere on campus, but students can rarely find it. It’s the internet! Get it? Everyone sees the answers to my riddles on the internet.”
Grumpus also explained that allowing students to pass without paying a toll could have devastating effects on the troll community. “You people never think about what tolls mean for us. I stop you mostly because I have to put food on the table, not just because I take joy in making your day a little worse.”
At press time, Grumpus was found complaining about how dwindling tolls are wreaking havoc on the troll economy.