RICHMOND, VA—After scouring the Richmond venue for human secretions with a homemade vacuum attached to a large mason jar worn on his back, Clement Augustine thanked the participants of the Richmond Trump Rally for their generous donation of spit to his personal cache. “These things are great because you’ve got Trump supporters all over spittin’ like mad—fountainheads, we like to call them—and then you’ve got the anti-trump supporters screamin’ and chantin’ and leakin’ like faucets. And so who’s the real winner in all this? I reckon that’s me,” said Mr. Augustine, holding to his chest a jar of approximately three and a half liters, or close to one gallon, of collected saliva. “I’ve run the gamut of political rallies, from Hartford, Connecticut, to Albuquerque, New Mexico, all with the goal of filling my bathtub to the point where I can submerge my whole body and then….well, you know.” Experts from the Institution for Political Freedom, a left-leaning think tank, confirmed that the most significant effect of this election cycle’s fervid political activism has been the fulfillment of esoteric sexual fantasies like those of Mr. Augustine.
