Couple Perfect For Each Other Not Even Kind Of Okay For Anyone Else

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The single population of Los Angeles breathed a collective sigh of relief as Collins deleted her Tinder account last Friday.
The single population of Los Angeles breathed a collective sigh of relief as Collins deleted her Tinder account last Friday.

LOS ANGELES — Local woman Lauren Collins and her boyfriend Jason Cho are reportedly “perfect for each other,” according to sources close to the pair who absolutely cannot stand either one.

“They’re so good together that I can’t even imagine Lauren with anyone else,” stated Diane Tapia, one of Collins’ roommates. “Not even like, a blind, dehydrated homeless man with nothing left to lose. Even he could do better.”

Tapia reported that Cho and Collins met while taking the elevator in their apartment building up from the first floor to the second. Soon afterwards, Cho “liked” one of Collins’ racist statuses on Facebook.

“The next day, Lauren retweeted a ton of Jason’s transphobic jokes,” said Tapia. “They just clicked instantly.”

Cho’s acquaintances were equally surprised by the union, but reported that they were relieved that no one else on earth would have to be subjected to the experience of dating him ever again.

“Lauren’s really taking one for the team,” said Michelle Henderson, Cho’s ex-girlfriend. “Or wait, maybe Jason is. Wow, it’s genuinely hard to tell who’s getting the short end of the stick here. They are both truly terrible. I’m so happy for them.”

Nonetheless, Collins and Cho’s friends are reportedly happy for the pair and have congratulated them on their newfound love.

“I am so, so happy that she found that disgusting little alt-right pig man,” said Tapia. “It’s like the local dating pool has been freshly chlorinated after those two floating turds were skimmed from the water by a watchful lifeguard.”

At press time, Collins and Cho were seen eating dinner at a local restaurant, yelling at the waiter and demanding to talk to the manager together.