Hidden in plain sight as a desk ornament or portable charger
If a roommate questions why your portable charger is covered in white marks and has an odor, the safest bet is to blame it on the lithium battery—we all know they do weird things sometimes, and you’ll promise to never take it on a plane lest it suddenly explodes. They won’t ask again.
Bra and underwear drawer
Old faithful. However, if you have sexy undergarments and find them uncomfortable or reductive, you may feel disillusionment with the way modern sensuality is so mixed up with consumerism, and you may resent the sexualization of female discomfort. Alternatively, retrieving your toy from this spot could remind you that you don’t own any sexy underwear or matching lingerie sets, which may cause you to feel undesirable and unwanted, and that can be a total turn off. If you suspect this mental burden will prevent you from getting a quick one in, no problem, simply opt for one of our alternative solutions.t
Fake book
Holy books and Malcolm Gladwell titles work best—no one else wants to read those or they have their own copy.
Your roommate’s least favorite pair of shoes
There’s a little risk involved in this option, but that makes it all the more exciting. After at least a month of observation, identify which pair of shoes your roommate clearly regrets buying or doesn’t have the confidence to wear outside. Stow in the left toe. If one day your vibrator is gone, it’s best to simply never mention it—there’s no way for her to know for sure that it was you, so don’t give yourself away. Sometime in the following weeks, find a way to slip into conversation that you believe masturbation is a sin. She’ll have to assume it was your third roommate, and you’ll be in the clear to hide your replacement in her second least favorite pair.
A block of ice in the microfridge freezer
When it comes to this method, consider going for a waterproof sex toy—they’re practical and made with quality materials. Be smart about what you put in your body! Of course, using a vibrator is already a much safer choice than opting to insert another living person, who could carry diseases or emotional baggage that you might not discover until it’s too late. Fun tip: experiment with some ice play while you wait for your vibrator to defrost.
The back panel of your microwave
Mention to your roommates that you’ve noticed the microwave has been making random beeping noises, and offer to fix it using the small set of tools you brought from home for just such a situation. When they agree, unscrew the back panel and pretend to immediately understand the issue (an extended “ohhh okay” will aid your illusion). Explain that you’ll just need to pick up one small part, and leave the back panel off for “safety” until then. Two days later, once you’re sure everyone is sleeping, sneak over, place your vibrator among the exposed wires, and screw the panel back on. Your suitemates will be happy to have someone so handy around, and you can be sure they’ll never suspect your trick.
Inside the hollowed out top of your dorm room door
This one will require you to identify the times in your schedule when you can be home, but none of your roommates are—valuable information for vibrator use in general. Once you’ve managed to arrange this, stack some books on your desk chair, push it into position, and use a butter knife and spoon you lifted from the dining hall to create a crevice just slightly larger than your toy in the top of the door. Do away with the debris, slide your device into its new slot, and rest in peace knowing your roommates will never guess what lurks just out of sight.
