You really thought you were out of here. How naïve you were, going on your Class Planner, just begging for a spot to open up in your major’s required seminar. But I’m here to set you straight. Here are all the reasons why you don’t deserve to register in that course you need to graduate:
1. You forgot to pay a Bruinbill fee. This $1 “You’re Not Going Anywhere” fee needs to be paid within the next ten seconds or you’ll have to stay here for another quarter. Whoops, I guess those ten seconds run out right about… now.
2. You’re only Senior Standing. If only you’d worked a little harder and been 7th Year Standing. Well, you’ll be there in three years.
3. It’s only “closed by department” if you let it be “closed by department.” You’re so weak. At the first sign of adversity, you quit, and that’s why you need to do another quarter.
4. Graduating is for big boys. Unfortunately, you’re not a big boy. You’re an idiot.
Welcome to the Class of 2023!
