UCLA Reveals School Colors To Be White And Gold
WESTWOOD—Citing the effects of shadows and lighting in various sporting venues over the years, campus officials announced today that UCLA’s school colors are in fact […]
Anti-Vaccination Epidemic Cured By Measles
ANAHEIM, CA – Officials from the Center for Disease Control and Prevention announced Saturday that the anti-vaccination epidemic that has afflicted the United States for […]
Suicide Hotline Worker Gears Up For Valentine’s Day
AUSTIN, TEXAS – Julius Camus, a veteran crisis counselor at the national suicide hotline’s call center in Austin, is getting ready for the busiest day […]
POINT: I Don’t Need To Celebrate Valentine’s Day To Be Happy / COUNTERPOINT: Oh God I Am So Alone
Point I Don’t Need To Celebrate Valentine’s Day To Be Happy By: Peter Tan When I was in a relationship not too long ago, I had […]
Classes Canceled Due To National Give-A-Fuck Shortage
LOS ANGELES — Despite the continuation of the scholastic quarter at UCLA and other moderately impressive learning institutions, the Federal Bureau of Education has announced […]
Foolish Humans Elect New Leader Based On Beauty, Charisma
MIAMI— In an event televised across the galactic quadrant, the humans of Earth have chosen from among their flock a new “Miss Universe” to reign […]
Republicans Criticize State Of The Union As Abuse Of Executive Power
WASHINGTON, DC—Claiming vast overreaches in executive power, Republican leaders came out in criticism of president Obama today after his delivering of an unapproved State of […]
U.S. Sends Special Task Force To Sexually Liberate Middle East
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In light of growing concerns over the increasing volatility of the region, Middle Eastern Operations Director for US Special Forces Miguel Jackson […]
Daily Bruin Kept Completely Afloat By Crossword, Sudoku
WESTWOOD—A recent survey of Daily Bruin readership revealed that 100% of readers only picked up the award-winning student-run newspaper for its crossword puzzle and Sudoku. […]
Nation Relieved That Issues Of 2014 No Longer Matter
THE UNITED STATES—In the midst of celebrations ringing in the new year, Americans across the country are reportedly relieved to learn that the crucial issues of […]