CSO Feeling Rush After Telling Students They Can’t Smoke Weed There
WESTWOOD—UCLA Community Service Officer David Connolly reported that he was feeling quite a rush after he and his team stormed the forests behind Hitch suites […]
Unacquainted Apartment Neighbors Unsure If They Should Continue To Make Eye Contact Through Window
LOS ANGELES—Even after two months of being next door neighbors, local apartment tenants Paul Bryson and Ariel Higgins have only communicated via eye contact through […]
How To Make Your Dorm Room Feel Like Home
Missing home lately? Just can’t wait for Thanksgiving? Then here’s how to make your dorm room feel a little more like home! Shroud your body […]
How To Draft That Email To Your Professor
Do I include a smiley face? Is a winking face inappropriate? Do I want to be inappropriate? How many exclamation points are too many exclamation […]
Study: The Sea Is An Unforgiving Mistress
SAN DIEGO, CA—Recent studies compiled by various mateys and seadogs have unanimously concluded that, despite the proposals made by hapless landlubbers, the sea is a […]
Roommate Alarmed By Number Of Un-Ironic Halloween Decorations
WESTWOOD—Student Ariel Johnson reported feeling increasingly alarmed this week by the number of un-ironic Halloween decorations that her roommates have put up in their room. […]
Freshman Milks Common App Essay For One More Club Application
WESTWOOD– Sources revealed that first-year Russell Price was successful in milking his Common App essay one last time for his final club application of the […]
“Thanks For The Spit!” Says Spit Fetishist Outside Trump Rally
RICHMOND, VA—After scouring the Richmond venue for human secretions with a homemade vacuum attached to a large mason jar worn on his back, Clement Augustine […]
Bruin Walk Troll Runs Out Of Riddles, Begins Asking Students If They’re Interested In A Cappella
WESTWOOD—Sources confirmed last Tuesday that the infamous troll of Bruin Walk, Jiles Grumpus, has run out of riddles and begun asking students if they are […]
Couple Perfect For Each Other Not Even Kind Of Okay For Anyone Else
LOS ANGELES — Local woman Lauren Collins and her boyfriend Jason Cho are reportedly “perfect for each other,” according to sources close to the pair […]