DeShaun Foster is finally gone after 15 infuriating games as UCLA football’s head coach. He sucked so much that Athletic Director Martin Jarmond, occasionally known as Mar-Jar Binks, actually got up off his ass and did something he’s never done before: his job. Rather than allowing Foster to finish the season 0-12, Jarmond sacked his ass and appointed Tim Skipper, who served as Foster’s special assistant to the head coach (a real, Dwight Schrute-ass position), to salvage this mess and then take the fall when the team goes winless anyways. Stupid.
However, there is an easy solution to this absolute dumpster fire. Hire Chip Kelly. Yes, that Chip Kelly.
Now, the shriveled-up oldheads who were still attending UCLA in spring 2024 and are now frantically trying to come up with a vague answer to “What are your post-grad plans?” may be absolutely appalled at this proposition. After all, through the tense climate that permeated campus that quarter, the school remained united under one guiding principle: fire Chip Kelly. Whether you were a peaceful anti-genocide maniac or a violent pro-genocide maniac, you wanted UCLA football to take inspiration from Pringles and can Chip. Anti-Chip Kelly protesters even went so far as to sacrifice the environment for their cause, chartering a plane to fly a banner supporting his release.
For the baby Bruins who never got to witness the dynamic-ish duo of Chip Kelly and Ethan Garbers, Chip was UCLA football’s head coach for six unbelievably forgettable seasons. His tenure was marked by its exceptional mid-ness, leading to the anti-Chip crusade at the end of the 2023 season. As is customary for UCLA admin, Jarmond did absolutely nothing in the face of overwhelming pressure to fire Chip. In his trademark brilliance, Chip decided his coaching seat was too flamin’ hot and fired himself, becoming Ohio State’s offensive coordinator for the 2024 season. Today, he continues to uphold his legacy of mediocrity by coordinating an uninspiring offense for the Las Vegas Raiders, the most middling franchise in NFL history.
At UCLA, Chip would get to play to his strengths and work with an even worse roster than he had last time, led by a QB so mid that experts don’t even have a clue whether he’s good or bad. Chip’s chip on his shoulder can be addressed, since he can prove that his Natty win with OSU wasn’t a fluke, and that his uninspiring offense can again go all the way, as long as all of their opponents choke at the right time.
Looking back on the Chipocalypse after living through the DeShaun Disaster, maybe we UCLA football fans took for granted Chip’s consistent middle-of-the-road performance. Going 6-6 and just barely missing a bowl game kinda sucks, but I guess it doesn’t suck as much as going 0-12. Just a little bit of unfounded hopium would be nice for a Bruin fanbase stuck in a constant loop of utter rage and soul-crushing disappointment.
As a survivor of the first Chip Kelly dark ages, it feels sacrilegious to say this, but I think it’s time we hire Chip Kelly and bring back the old semi-competitive spirit of days past.