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Sports

Historic UCLA Rugby Hazing Ritual Ruined By Guy Who Just Loves To Drink Piss

January 11, 2024 Barrett Willet 0

WESTWOOD — UCLA’s rugby team has been forced to brainstorm new “bonding activities” for potential new members after, to their horror, one student seemed a […]

Racism Ends

December 28, 2023 Rachana Aithal 0

Struggling Men’s Basketball Team Re-Recruits Kareem Abdul-Jabbar

December 10, 2023 Georgia McNeill 0

WESTWOOD – After UCLA Men’s basketball’s recent loss to Villanova, coach Mick Cronin has re-recruited Kareem Abdul-Jabbar in an attempt to revitalize the team. “We’re […]

small children in blue shirts playing football

UCLA Football Salvages Season With Win Over Brentwood Elementary Pee-Wee Football Team

November 29, 2023 Josh Dittrich 0

ROSE BOWL — UCLA Football ended its season on a positive note following their late fourth-quarter comeback against the Brentwood Elementary Pee-Wee Football Team. “What […]

Gladiator in UCLA garb slays a USC gladiator

Rivalry Game Held at Actual Coliseum, Features Deadly Gladiatorial Combat

November 20, 2023 Matthew Graves 0

ROME — Football fans were shocked on Saturday when this year’s “Battle for LA” did not take place in the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum, but […]

Fifth-Year Continuing To Major In “Fundecided”

June 1, 2023 Uma Patil 0

WESTWOOD — Long-term student Brody Martin, currently enrolled in his fifteenth quarter, informed his counselor Monday that he is taking a lighter course load this […]

Guy Holding Gene Block’s Voodoo Doll Ups Athletics Budget Again

May 2, 2023 Gillian Smith 0

WESTWOOD — Local scalawag and marionette enthusiast Gepetto Johnson, who is the proud owner of Gene Block’s voodoo doll, made it increase the athletics budget […]

Former Horse Girl Now Ketamine Addict

March 20, 2023 Idil Çenberci 0

LOUISVILLE, K.Y.— Retired jockey and racehorse enthusiast Hannah Ryder has recently developed a horsey addiction to ketamine. “It started as a bonding activity with my […]

Tom Brady Comes Out As Bisexual, And IX Other Super Bowl LVII Predictions

February 11, 2023 Enabler Staff 0

Super Bowl? Damn Right I’m Gonna Smoke A Super Big Bowl This Sunday Afternoon

February 10, 2023 Gillian Smith 0

Posts pagination

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  • Opinion: Suck It, Pre-Meds! Now We’re All Going To Be Unemployed

    It finally happened. Despite being so against equity and inclusion, Trump finally did something to level the playing field between you pre-meds and us humanities, […]

  • Roommate Unable To Clean Dorm Because Floor Is Lava

    WESTWOOOD – In an emergency press conference inside your dorm today, your roommate announced they are unable to clean because the floor is lava. “I […]

  • Woke Mother Performs First Successful “Straight Conversion Therapy”

    WEST HOLLYWOOD — On Tuesday, local woke mother Dorothy McBeal celebrated the results of months of grueling treatment as her first and only child finally […]

  • two skeletons kissing in front of a rainbow pride flag

    Skeletons In Closet Come Out

  • Supreme Court Brings Back Three-Fifths Compromise

    WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a blockbuster 5⅗–2⅗ decision, the Supreme Court has ruled Section 2 of the 14th Amendment unconstitutional, effectively allowing states to declare […]

Featured Authors

mm
Georgia McNeill
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  • Opinion: No, I Will Not Pie You On Bruinwalk, Please Don’t Involve Me In Your Fetishes
Sam Rusk
  • Top 5 UCLA Study Spots If You Don’t Need Outlets, Wifi, Tables or Chairs
  • Ashe Center To Offer Gender Affirming Computer Science Degrees
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