You blink and they appear: a 250 pound, 6 foot 5 monster hurtling toward you with an empty, dog tagged backpack at 45 miles an hour. Sometimes you see them walking—no, shuffling—along the sidewalk, unable to lift their Nike-slide clad feet on their way to their Sociology of the Midwest class after failing to unlock their six-cylinder Gotrax because they lost the key (again). They work so hard, they can barely make it to Haines Hall after an exhausting morning eating their free, catered buffet meal at the athlete center where they were gently caressed and told what good little boys and girls they were. They work so hard, and yet, do they?
UCLA Football hasn’t won an NCAA championship since 1954, so should they really be walking less? Call me harsh, but I don’t think we should be telling the team that lost to Indiana 13 to 42 that cardio doesn’t matter, that they need to save their energy so they can be more efficient when they fumble the ball again and miss another 30 yard field goal. They’re already tagged like cattle, would it be so hard to get an Athletic Trainer to shepherd them up Janss Steps as part of their 2000 steps a day?
And to golf, basketball, track and field, baseball, men’s tennis, soccer, I don’t want to see you guys near anything motorized until I see results. Scooters are for winners, not for red-shirt first-years who lost to Michigan State after scoring zero goals (looking at you, men’s soccer). I could do that. Ahead is a list of UCLA Championship teams who actually deserve to run me over on Bruin Walk. To everyone else, get to work.
Men’s Volleyball: 2024
Men’s Rowing: 2023
Softball: 2019
Men’s Water Polo: 2020
Women’s Water Polo: 2024
Women’s Gymnastics: 2018
Women’s Soccer 2022
Beach Volleyball: 2019
Women’s Tennis 2014 (use this year wisely, guys).