African Warlord Offers 20% Discount on Water
UGANDA — Charles Masane, leader of the Righteous Liberation Army announced in a press release this morning that water will be discounted 20% this weekend […]
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Study: No One Asked for Daily Bruin’s Opinion
WESTWOOD— In a recently-published study conducted by the University of California’s Data Glossary Analysis Forum (DGAF), 0% of undergraduate students enrolled at the Los Angeles […]
Study: Trigger Warnings Are Totally Gay
ANN ARBOR, MI—After years of intensive research, the International Forum on Trigger Warnings (IFTW) have concluded their work, and have definitively stated that trigger warnings […]
John Wooden Finally Peels Off Bronze Body Paint And Leaves Pauley Pavilion
WESTWOOD—After standing motionless on a pedestal in front of Pauley Pavilion for over three years, legendary basketball coach John Wooden finally removed his bronze body […]
First-Year Declines Invitation That Would Have Been Best Night Of Life
WESTWOOD, DOWNTOWN LOS ANGELES, LECHUZA BEACH—In a move that she would regret until her dying breath, first-year student Amy Milligan turned down an offer to “hang […]
Academy Not Racist, Has Black Friend
HOLLYWOOD, CA — Following accusations that the 2016 Academy Awards are biased against actors of color, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences confirmed […]
Man Unsure Where Ironic Self-Loathing Ends And Real Self-Loathing Begins
LOS ANGELES—Local man Tom Deluca confirmed Monday that he is no longer sure where his joking, lighthearted self-loathing ends and his genuine, deeply rooted self-loathing […]
Report: All Late Night Curly Fries Traced Back To Single “Mother Fry”
WESTWOOD—In a report issued by the UCLA Center for Sustenance Research, scientists have confirmed that all curly fries from De Neve Late Night are traceable […]
Student Finds Roommate’s Bong Or Dildo, Not Sure Which
WESTWOOD — Stating he felt “extreme terror” and “penetrating feelings of fear,” third year sociology major Jason Schwartz claims to have found a hollow glass […]
Bastard Of Edenborough Pines For Hand Of Lady Arkwright Of Essex Despite Her Betrothal To Sir Edmund Blackbourne
Lo! 1642 years after the incarnation of our lord on the eve of harvest, all of England and her territories recoil as the Bastard of […]