Last Couple Still Together From High School Finally Breaks Up
WESTWOOD—Sources confirmed Friday that the last remaining long distance relationship that began in high school between Amber Rogers and David Sowers has finally come to […]
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Philosophy Student Would Descend Into Nihilistic Hedonism If He Could Get Laid
WESTWOOD—Admitting that he’s drawn to the idea of living a life of lust-filled gratification in an entropic universe with no intrinsic meaning, Philosophy major Anthony […]
Putrid Corpse Of Jackie Robinson Exhumed For Display On Campus Tours
WESTWOOD—Posing genially next to the putrid corpse of the American hero, Gene Block announced today that the earthly remains of the legendary UCLA Alumnus, Jackie […]
Prospective Student Waits For Dad To Stop Eye-Banging Cheerleaders At Bruin Transfer Day
WESTWOOD–Visiting from out of state and touring the campus on Bruin Transfer Day, prospective student John McDermot reportedly spent much of his time at UCLA […]
Despondent Bruin Republicans Plan Inflammatory Events Just To Feel Something, Anything
WESTWOOD—Bitter and desensitized by the current state of the GOP, a group of disillusioned Bruin Republicans gathered in Haines today where they pitched a series […]
Song Perfectly Captures How Local Teen Is Feeling
LOS ANGELES—Local high school student Danette Evans discovered a song on the radio that perfectly embodied her innermost feelings, she reported Monday. “So apparently, there’s […]
Professor Valiantly Tries To Toggle Multiple Internet Tabs
WESTWOOD—Students silently supported their biology professor during lecture today as she struggled to toggle multiple tabs on Internet Explorer. “So here we have a… oh […]
Question Ignored By Entire UCLA Class Of 2019 Facebook Group
WESTWOOD–A question posed by freshman Cody Chastain has yet to receive a single like, comment or share in the four hours since it has been […]
Donald Trump Announces Donald Trump As Running Mate
NEW YORK CITY—Donald Trump announced at a rally this morning that, if nominated, which “[he] might as well have been from the very second [he] […]
Clinton Campaign Builds Moat Around Fundraiser
POTOMAC, MD—Again under fire for their lavish fundraisers, Clinton campaign staffers built a moat surrounding a fundraising event at a private residence in Potomac yesterday […]