Banana-Smuggling Cartel Busted At B-Plate
WESTWOOD—In a development that has left the UCLA community speechless, a banana-smuggling cartel was found early Sunday evening to be operating out of UCLA’s newest […]
Campus
Freshman Not Yet BFFs With Roommate
WESTWOOD—Julia Lin, a UCLA freshman living in a double in Hedrick Hall, admitted today that she had not yet managed to become best friends with […]
Professor Has Sex With Student In Exchange For Positive BruinWalk Review
WESTWOOD—Trying to improve his abysmally low rating on the popular instructor evaluation site bruinwalk.com Monday, UCLA Statistics professor Phil Tennyson had sexual intercourse with one […]
UC Regents Devastated By Cancellation Of Beat ‘SC Bonfire
OAKLAND – Watching a live feed of the Beat SC Bonfire Rally on the 150” 3D television inside his opulently-furnished multi-million dollar mega-mansion tonight, UC […]
New UC Tuition Plan To Let Students Pay In 1,000 Easy Payments Of $16.99
OAKLAND—Calling it the “best kept secret” in public education and emphasizing “great savings” that will be had on the part of students, the University of […]
USAC President Resigns; Student Government Set To Hold Yet Another Goddam Election
WESTWOOD—In the wake of Devin Murphy’s resignation today, leaving the position of president vacant a mere 6 months after being elected, USAC looks set to […]
Area Man Convinced He Was ‘Spotted On Bruin Walk’
WESTWOOD — Scrolling desperately through the latest submissions on popular missed connection site Spotted on Bruin Walk Sunday, 3rd year UCLA Computer Science major and […]
Gene Block Unveils “Diversitron”, Announces Plans To Transform Students Into Minorities
WESTWOOD—In light of UCLA faculty’s recent vote in favor of a diversity course requirement, Chancellor Gene Block has unveiled his latest invention: a 60-foot tall […]
Student Fails Midterm Election
WESTWOOD—Noting a severe lack of knowledge in local politics as well as a preoccupation with school work, second year Hannah Park admitted to having completely […]
International Student Shocked To Learn Texas Is Not The Wild West
WESTWOOD, CA—After a recent trip to Texas, Abdul Nasreen, an international student from the Middle East, declared his shock when it was revealed to him […]