CVS Celebrates Fall With Pumpkin Spice Pepper Spray
LOS ANGELES— Since Monday morning, customers of the Consumer Value Store have been able to enjoy a new line of products that capture the holiday […]
Month: November 2022
Spotify Wrapped Now Includes Times Spent Listening To Spotify Ads
STOCKHOLM, SWEDEN — Spotify CEO Daniel Ek announced this morning that users without Spotify Premium can expect to see the statistic of “Times Spent Listening […]
Nationwide Adderall Shortage Causes Lack Of Focus On Producing More Adderall
TEL AVIV — In the midst of a nationwide Adderall shortage, procrastinating college students and people with ADHD are demanding increased production of the amphetamine, […]
Food Truck Fortune Cookie Lists Exact Time, Location of Death
WESTWOOD — First-year engineering major Bob Virgyn was surprised last Thursday night after his fortune cookie revealed the exact time and location of his death. […]
5 Tips For Setting Healthy Boundaries With The Ants In Your Kitchen
Fall is here, and you know what that means! Pumpkin spice, holiday breaks, and several hundred new roommates. That’s right, your apartment is crawling with […]
Unbelievable! Phone Call You Put Off For Months Took Two Minutes
YOUR SILLY BRAIN — Despite a history of this very thing happening, you were once again shocked today when that phone call you’ve been putting […]
Joe Biden Announces Nationwide Slut Era As Birth Rates Fall
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In response to a historic decline in the American national birth rate, President Joe Biden has called for a nationwide Slut Era. […]
Uncle’s Rant At Thanksgiving Dinner Receives Lo-Fi Hip Hop Remix
LOS ANGELES – Households across America are jamming out after the release of the Scott family’s new single, “Uncle Terry’s Rant (Interlude)” ft. lo-fi hip […]
Opinion: How Bringing My Copy Of “Ready Player Two” With Me To The Dining Hall Helped Me Get Laid
Like many UCLA students, I had hoped to experience my first romance at this fine institution, but as an oft-ignored fellow, that moment seemed like […]
Gene Block Purchases Gene Glock Following Recent Budget Cuts
WESTWOOD — Due to recent budget cuts, Chancellor Gene Block has begun pushing for a new cost-cutting and productivity-boosting measure: murder. “Even if we shoot […]