Thomas Jefferson Wakes Up In Cold Sweat, Cries, “My God, What A Terrible Nightmare”

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Thomas Jefferson awoke early this morning.
Thomas Jefferson awoke early this morning.

MONTICELLO, VIRGINIA–Reporting feelings of tremendous fear, notable Founding Father Thomas Jefferson abruptly woke up in a cold sweat early this morning after a nightmarish vision of what America’s 2016 election will be like. “It was horrifying, especially the Orange Man,” Jefferson said, describing in vivid detail the ghastliness of his dream. “He just kept screaming and screaming, and there were crowds of people, and they were all cheering… I can only keep reminding myself that it was a silly dream, and that this country will never devolve into anything of that sort.” Jefferson, having recuperated, noted that “thankfully it is very unlikely that the America we’ve created will never resemble anything remotely like this frightening vision.” At press time, James Madison reported an uncannily similar dream in which the Orange Man repeatedly attempted to grab his private parts.