Report: Whistleblower Not Actually Man Blowing Whistle

WASHINGTON, D.C — In light of President Donald Trump’s ongoing impeachment process, it has been brought to the attention of the general public that a “whistleblower” is not actually a person blowing into a whistle. “I kept hearing about whistleblower this, whistleblower that. I said to my husband Craig, what is all this about some person blowing a whistle?” said average middle-aged woman Lori, who represents most of average America. “I said to my husband Craig, how are they getting all this information from a man who just blows a whistle? And what for? Everyone can blow a whistle, can this man just blow really well? Then as it turns out, I was listening to NPR on my way to Payless when they said it again: whistleblower! This time, I was just at my wits’ end, so I Googled it. Turns out, it’s just slang for someone who knows secret stuff!” At press time, Lori then proceeded to describe herself as a whistleblower for all the great under half-hour dinner recipes.