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Month: January 2020

Baby Yoda Arrested For Tax Evasion

January 31, 2020 Grace Johnston-Glick 0

CHICAGO — Late last Monday evening, America’s little green sweetheart, Baby Yoda, was arrested outside his Chicago mansion for alleged tax evasion. The IRS, aided […]

Inclusivity Win! BPlate Adds Intermittent Fasting Option By Removing Breakfast Meal Periods

January 31, 2020 Arman 0

WESTWOOD — Residential dining hall Bruin Plate has decided to close its doors during all breakfast meal periods due to pressure from student members of […]

CAPS Refocuses Outreach Efforts To Girls Who Cut Their Own Bangs

January 31, 2020 Cassidy Von Musser 0

WESTWOOD — An official statement issued Friday by UCLA’s Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS) announced their decision to channel resources towards girls who cut their […]

Local Flyerers Not Advertising, Just Hate Trees

January 31, 2020 Jack Grossman 0

WESTWOOD — A new student organization, the Bruin Dendrophobic Social Movement (BDSM), began flyering daily last Wednesday on Bruin Walk to promote their bold new […]

Teacher’s Pet Mitt Romney Asks For More Homework

January 31, 2020 Arman 0

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Buzzkill Sen. Mitt Romney (R-Utah) has expressed interest in voting for the testimony of John Bolton and other key witnesses in the […]

The Sexiest, I Mean The Smartest Youth Climate Activists

January 24, 2020 Joe Biden 0

The global movement to adopt greener solutions has been led by sexy children who have fought tooth and nail to prot–I mean, intelligent. The push […]

Huge Football Player Somehow Makes Kids’ Razor Scooter Work

January 23, 2020 Frankie Clarke 0

CERRITOS, CA — Physicists have taken to the Razor Scooter headquarters in Cerritos, California earlier this week in an attempt to study the engineering genius […]

Young Research Library Introduces Sensory Deprivation Tanks

January 23, 2020 Jade Lacy 0

WESTWOOD — In preparation for finals week, the Charles E. Young Research Library’s collaboration pods have been replaced with sensory deprivation tanks full of salt […]

New York Times Endorses Festering Corpse Of George McGovern For President

January 22, 2020 Dylan Wood 0

NEW YORK — The New York Times editorial board made the unexpected choice Sunday to endorse George McGovern, failed 1972 presidential candidate and rotting corpse, […]

Report: Whistleblower Not Actually Man Blowing Whistle

January 22, 2020 Frankie Clarke 0

WASHINGTON, D.C — In light of President Donald Trump’s ongoing impeachment process, it has been brought to the attention of the general public that a […]

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