CHICAGO — Late last Monday evening, America’s little green sweetheart, Baby Yoda, was arrested outside his Chicago mansion for alleged tax evasion.
The IRS, aided by the FBI and local authorities, had been carefully planning the bust for months. The raid commenced right before bath time in order to catch Baby Yoda and his men off guard. Tiny handcuffs were designed to ensure a smoother passage to custody.
“We know there’s more going on, but we just had to put a stop to his bloodlust in any way we could,” said IRS agent Frank J. Wilson while trying to retract one of Baby Yoda’s collectible lightsabers after accidentally slicing the tail off a police dog. “Mark my words, there are bodies buried somewhere out there with his itty bitty fingerprints all over them.”
Baby Yoda remained stony eyed and collected for most of his proceedings, hardened from a life of crime and stealing candy from other babies.
He did break his long-standing public silence when he saw reporters gathering to cover the arrest, spitting at the feet of the SWAT team and stating “Dirty fucking pigs, you are.”
Representatives from Disney refused to comment on whether or not the company would step in with legal assistance, but did confirm that t-shirts with Baby Yoda’s spitting face and the phrase “Public Enemy Number One” would be available for purchase at all parks in the following weeks.