VATICAN CITY — The Catholic Church has publicly amended its long held opposition to homosexuality in favor of condemning the most unnatural of abominations: lactaid. “Where in the Bible does God create a magic pill to allow those He has forbidden from eating dairy unlimited, unpunished access to cheese and ice cream?” wrote Pope Francis in a passionate email to journalists that he insists was not composed on the toilet, where those who have transgressed God’s will are meant to serve their time. “If man was meant to consume dairy without restriction, our scripture would tell us so. The punishment from eating dairy that you avoid in this lifetime will follow you to the next! An eternity in the bathroom!” At press time, Pope Francis was distressed to learn about oatmilk and its prevalence in all of the immoral cities he had just forgiven for their homosexuality.
