Particle Physicists Admit They’re Just Making Shit Up

By , in International News slider on . Tagged width: , , ,
particle physicists making shit up
CERN researchers revealed that the Large Hadron Collider is actually just a bunch of cardboard toilet paper tubes spray-painted and Scotch-taped end-to-end.

GENEVA—Last Thursday, particle physicists at the European Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN) admitted that they were just completely making up bullshit that sounded smart and sciencey. “Honestly, I can’t believe nobody caught on,” said chief CERN scientist Lena Dietiker. “Gee, let’s just fire up the Large Hadron Collider and use our Cherenkov detector to find gauge gluon bosons in the galactic gamma halo, as predicted by Werner’s Fifth Principle of Quantum Chromodynamics. Really guys? Does any of this sound like actual words?” Dietiker appeared to chuckle softly while shaking her head. “I mean, all you have to do is say a bunch of jargon interspersed with vaguely ethnic names and people eat this shit up. Uh-oh, I better double check my Temperature-Dependent Sellmeier Equation, it seems to be contradicting the Yukimura-Takenaka Law of Super-positioned Relativistic Thermo-quadratic Dynamics. Seriously, the government is giving us a billion dollars a year for this stuff.” At press time, biologists at a neighboring lab were seen attaching electrodes to chimp testicles, saying: “Don’t look at us. We don’t know what the fuck we’re doing either.”